Trying to be still…Posted: July 28, 2010
We had a pretty big thunderstorm last night. Justin and I both woke up to a lightning show outside our bedroom window, pouring rain and some pretty decent thunder. We both thought, and said aloud, the kids are totally going to wake up…it’s going to be a long night…Logan’s pretty solid through storms. But during our last thunderstorm I spent all of it and then some in Payton’s bed with her. With every crack, she’d plug her ears and curl into a ball, nestle into me. I don’t sleep when I’m in bed with the kids. Conditions have to be just so for me to get my rest. Days following this one are tough. So last night I kept thinking “why go to sleep? I’ll just be up anyway.” The more thoughts like this go on in my brain, the more awake I become, the more worried I get, and much of the time, it’s all for naught.
When the flu is going around, and my kids burp, I go into panic mode–“they’re gonna barf, I know it.” When people load them with sweets, I think, “slow down, don’t want them to puke.” Because when they do, I’m a mess, a freak is probably more like it. I can’t do it, I do, but it’s probably pathetic to watch. Again, much of the time, the worrying is for naught.
I think I worry too much about “what might be.” The storm, kids getting sick…what if I do or say something wrong…what if I’m not able to pay my bills…what if I quit my job and can’t find another…what if I realize that I’m actually not as good a therapist as I thought I was, or wife, or mother…what if my kids are screwed up all because of me…
Chill out. And be still. I want to jump and not be scared of where I’ll land, even if I can’t see it. I like who I am, I love my kids, my husband, family and friends. Me.