Trying to be still…

We had a pretty big thunderstorm last night.  Justin and I both woke up to a lightning show outside our bedroom window, pouring rain and some pretty decent thunder.  We both thought, and said aloud, the kids are totally going to wake up…it’s going to be a long night…Logan’s pretty solid through storms.  But during our last thunderstorm I spent all of it and then some in Payton’s bed with her.  With every crack, she’d plug her ears and curl into a ball, nestle into me.  I don’t sleep when I’m in bed with the kids.  Conditions have to be just so for me to get my rest.  Days following this one are tough.  So last night I kept thinking “why go to sleep? I’ll just be up anyway.”  The more thoughts like this go on in my brain, the more awake I become, the more worried I get, and much of the time, it’s all for naught.

a moment captured

When the flu is going around, and my kids burp, I go into panic mode–“they’re gonna barf, I know it.”  When people load them with sweets, I think, “slow down, don’t want them to puke.”  Because when they do, I’m a mess, a freak is probably more like it.  I can’t do it, I do, but it’s probably pathetic to watch.  Again, much of the time, the worrying is for naught.

I think I worry too much about “what might be.”  The storm, kids getting sick…what if I do or say something wrong…what if I’m not able to pay my bills…what if I quit my job and can’t find another…what if I realize that I’m actually not as good a therapist as I thought I was, or wife, or mother…what if my kids are screwed up all because of me…

Chill out.  And be still.  I want to jump and not be scared of where I’ll land, even if I can’t see it.  I like who I am, I love my kids, my husband, family and friends.  Me.


One Comment on “Trying to be still…”

  1. Marcie says:

    Perhaps the ‘worrying response’ is a more peaceful alternative to other parental manifestations.

    Sometimes, rooted in self-confidence, I find that I try to ‘be everything’ to ‘everybody.’ There is not a lot of worry that burdens me, when I am over-reaching & over-helping. However, the undeniable consequence is over-committment & over-burden for my family & myself. This traditionally simmers for much to long only to boil over with frustration & exhaustion. This temporarily clouds my ability to reflect & center myself.

    Perhaps, I would resist the self-indulgent urge to over-estimate my abilities to meet everyones needs, if I had just worried a little more…

    Don’t shun worry, embrace it. Be grateful that God has given you this mechanism to protect you & the ones you love. You are an amazing woman… that’s all.

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